A lot of people ask me about being funny. I guess it’s the whole writing funny books for tweens and younger kids thing. Plus, in an earlier life, I used to perform sketch comedy in New York with Rubber Feet and HA! Comedy Duo. You can read all about it in the bio section of my website. Anyway, let’s get back to you being funny, whether it’s because you want to step-it up socially or maybe you want to add some levity to your writing. One of the best ways to be funny is to share embarrassing stories with friends. When we share our most humiliating stories, we invite laughter because everyone can relate. Also, there’s a psychic relief we give ourselves when we share our tales. Others enjoy the I’m-glad-it-wasn’t-me moment.

So here are five tips for keeping your stories funny:

1) Don’t try to be funny. Sure, it sounds strange. But when you try to be funny, you won’t be. You’ll be annoying and someone trying to be funny.

2) Keep your story personal. The more candid you are the better. As an author, I often speak in front of groups and it definitely doesn’t work when I try to impress them with my creds. Instead, people respond when I am the most human.

3) Keep your story short. The shorter the funnier. Three to five minutes max.

4) When you tell your story, latch onto an emotional attitude and live it. For example, annoyed, worried, or angry. As an extra tip, you might have might try to have the opposite attitude of what would be expected, as surprise is always funny. Instead of whining about when you got a parking ticket for $250, you could start off—“Oh, I love parking tickets! Because you’ll never know when you’ll get one. The other day I’m…”

5) Don’t worry about what others will think of you as you tell the story. Otherwise, you’ll sound robotic. Work with your fear of humiliation/rejection and own up to it as you relate your story. “I’m really nervous here. Does anyone have any deodorant? Because mine isn’t working right now…” And turn off your inner critic. She’s a real pain and we don’t want to hear from her. We want to hear from you!

When you are done and if you’re brave enough, record yourself and your friends, consider uploading to some sights such as http://www.YouTube.com or http://www.funnyordie.com or http://www.funnyplace.org.

Or, if you’re a writer, change some names around and have your protagonist live out one of your humiliations.

And most importantly, relax and have fun!

lol,
Hillary

The subject of this post is what not to do when you’re having a really bad day and things go crazy wrong. I’m talking about something totally unexpected that makes you so angry that you want yell like Tarzan and Stanley Kowalski, and any movie involving Al Pacino. You know, a childbirth sort of primal let-it-out yowl.

Yeah, well, I had one of those days yesterday. I received news that I didn’t want to hear and spoke with someone who only delivered more frustrating, shriek-worthy news. I do need to let you know that no one’s health was involved here. I am healthy, as far, as I know. And my family is healthy, too. It’s just something else horrible that would take me a while to explain to you and it really needs its own novel, which I am actually slowly writing. But the exact badness of the news isn’t important. It’s the reaction of me to the news.

It overwhelmed me and stopped me from doing anything but respond to the news, which means I didn’t write or market my work or do any job sort of things, or make a nice meal. I ranted and raved all day long. Yeah, I was a regular one-person rave party. So here’s what I learned from it:

1) When you’re really mad and are about to speak to the person delivering the undesirable news, do NOT, I repeat speak to them. Instead say, I will call you back later when I’ve had a moment to process. Otherwise, the person on the other end will only be in a state of absorb your initial anger when the bearer of the news, the mere messenger, may not be truly responsible. You know that wisdom, don’t be a messenger of bad news cause kings have them killed. Well, this makes me really feel sorry for actual messengers. They have a rough job. Actually, I think the original saying was–don’t shoot the messenger. No, the original saying was probably, don’t club the messenger who told you that your family was eaten by a Saber tooth tiger and before that it was probably, don’t eat the messenger. But I’m getting behind myself here, at least in terms of time. Instead of ranting, write it out and then decide a few hours later if you really want to send anything. You might change your mind, or not. Right now I’m worried that I’m going to change my mind about this post.

2) Do not try to make a meal involving sharp knifes or anything messy because you are not yourself and you will slip and something even messier will happen. Did this happen to me yesterday? No, but it has happened to me in the past and I have an ugly scar on my pointer finger from some stitches to prove it. When you are really upset it’s time for frozen food or even better yet take out.

3) Do not get in a car and rush because you are late because you are so busy being mad and letting lots of official people know how mad you are. Instead walk or let someone else drive you. Or probably best to stay home. Have I ever been in rush and gotten in a car? Did I do this yesterday? Not in the thick of madness, praise the Lord! Have I? Oh yes, and I have a new car to prove it. A few months ago, I was in a mad rush and someone had accidently parked in front of my driveway and I didn’t see them and –boom! Hence, the new mini- van for me. Actually, I was rewarded for rushing mad behavior –that doesn’t make sense. Life doesn’t always make sense, does it?

4) Do no eat things that you will regret later. For example, I am gluten sensitive and eating anything gluten will usually stress out my system. But in my stress I had pizza and now my little sensitive system is going—why did you do that? But I get the stress eating. Just try to find something that is naughty but nice, too. Does such a thing exist? I sure hope so.

Okay, I’m going to stop here at four things you shouldn’t do because I really don’t want to become the expert on how-not-react-when-you’re-mad. I want to be the expert on how-to-get-everything-you-want-and-be-happy-all-of-the-time. Oh, but I’m human so that’s not possible. How about most of the time? I’m really don’t express my anger very often (which is probably a problem and the reason why I write books), so you won’t see a post like this too much. Unless you’re planning on phoning me up with some bad news, that is. And if you are, forgetaboutit. And if you’re a pizza delivery guy, I’m slamming the door in your face. Did I say I was through with the anger thing? Apparently not.

I really, really do want to end on a happy note here. So I’m going to say that I’m going to stop writing this post so I can work on my fiction writing. And you should probably stop reading this post and do something productive too.

Not so madly yours,
Hillary

Some writers work on one thing at a time. Others are multi-taskers and successfully handle many projects at once. I’m not about to tell you which way to be–only you can decide what works best for you. However, I can tell you how I operate. I’m a serial monogamist when it comes to writing. I can handle one thing at a time.

However…I can handle a couple of projects which are in different places in the writing process. In other words, I can be editing a chapter book at the same time that I’m actively completely the first draft of a tween novel. But and this is a big but, I can’t work on my WIPs (usually) on the same day. I’m one of those all or nothin’ kind of people. Also, if I’m writing, I don’t even like to do author-y things or when I’m doing author-y things, I’d don’t like to do too much writing. Hey, I’m still working on that one.

But let’s get back to the serial monogam-y thing. If I’m working on a revision of a chapter book it probably means that I have sent a chapter of my tween novel to a trusted reader for review and I’m waiting on things, so that gives me the mental space to then work on the revision of my chapter book.

Now sometimes while I’m working on the first draft of a novel or even an edit, I’ll be reading the newspaper or daydreaming and then eureka, I’ll get the idea for my next book. Oh, it’s so exciting! A new idea beats up on that old idea that I’ve been hammering away on. It’s just so much cooler and shinier–I want to hold onto it and just begin writing this great new thing!

But I know from experience that if I cheat on my current WIP, I won’t be happy. Believe me, I’m tempted. And I have succumbed to temptation in the past, but my advice is –write down your great new idea in a book of ideas and come to it later. If it’s really so awesome and wonderful then it will wait for you and won’t find a new girlfriend. What has happened to me if I jump and explore my idea right away is that I end up with the first 30-50 pages of another novel (yes, I have a drawer full of the first 30-50 pages of manuscripts). Following through in novel writing is very important, even if your first draft sucks. At least when you have the lump of something sucky, you can shape it into something less sucky.

One of the things to remember is that by not picking something it doesn’t mean you won’t get to it one day. My first book for tweens was originally a short story that I wrote 16 years ago when I was a student in a fairytale class at Hollins University where I now teach. The novel, Things Are Gonna Get Ugly was published three years ago! So remember that you will not be neglecting a project just because you are choosing another. If it’s meant to happen it will.

So here are some questions to ask yourself when considering which manuscript to tackle first.

The questions:

Which project gets you the MOST excited right now?
Which one do you think about?
Which do you want to talk about with your writing friends?
I’d go with that–and stick with it!

Yours,
Hillary

I’m often asked by other writers–how do you get an agent? And the first question to ask is–do you need an agent? While I think it’s easier to have an agent in children’s publishing, it still isn’t absolutely necessary. For example, if you go to the Society of Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) conferences, all of the editors that you meet there will usually allow you to submit to them (within a timeline of approximately two months). Also, regional publishers are usually open and, if you receive the SCBWI bulletin, there are always editors who are moving to a new house asking for new submissions. Also, you can always query editors with a pitch letter, even if you can’t submit. And if you have credentials (like a recent MFA grad of a school like Hollins, Vermont College or Hamline) then, usually, they will be receptive to seeing queries.

So having an agent means less work in the submission process, but I still think it’s possible to publish without one. It just means that you absolutely need to join SCBWI and attend conferences each year in order to give yourself opportunity. There are literally dozens and dozens of conferences in every region of the country every year, so if you’re willing to go to a couple of each year, you will always have editors that you can submit to.

What will a (strong) agent do? They will be your business partner and offer career building advice, they will send your manuscript to editors with whom they have established relationships. They will be your advocate and champion. They will believe in you. They will read your manuscript and give you feedback that will strengthen your writing. Usually it’s global feedback not line edits, but it depends on the agent and their background.

What an agent can’t do. They won’t make your bed or make your meals or laundry or make you write every day or make you take your career seriously. Only you can do that. They can’t guarantee that you will be published but they can give you a very fair shot.

I got my first agent by attending the SCBWI conference in NY and asking an author that I admired who her agent was. She told me. I sent the agent my manuscript. Got rejected. Then sent another manuscript, got rejected and then sent another (yes, I’m persistent), and got an offer of representation! So don’t be shy about re-submitting a different manuscript to the same agent who rejected you. Also, most agents have assistants and their assistants usually only last a year so, even if one assistant doesn’t pass it on, the next one might. Two of my former agent’s assistants are now big time agents themselves and another is a very well known author, so be nice to assistants–you’ll never know who they will become!

After over a decade with the first agency that I signed with, I decided to go with a smaller more boutique agency, and that came through a recommendation by a fellow author. So don’t be shy about asking a buddy who they are represented by. Of course, it’s no guarantee that you will snag that agent but…who knows…

Good luck with your querying process.

Yours,
Hillary

When looking over the verbs in your WIP, you can pose three questions that will dramatically tune-up your draft.

First, I’ll launch into the first question you should ask. It might seem basic, but it can’t be overlooked.

1) Are you using passive voice?

When I’m critiquing manuscripts with passive voice, it signals to me that I’m reading a first draft or the work of a beginning writer. I recommend going through your manuscript and circling every time the verb of being shows up, and consider whether you can find an alternative. I’m not always against the verb of being. I’m all for it. In small doses.

2) Are you using placeholder verbs?

Often, in a subsequent draft that I read, I’ll see a pruning away of the verb of being only to be replaced with what I call placeholder verbs. You’re probably friends with these verbs. Run, walk, sit, nod, smile. Many writers strike up an acquaintance with these verbs, and I’m no exception.

Why is run a placeholder? You want to know more about your subject. You want to know if she’s the sort of person who waddles, or sashays or darts. It’s best to be more specific so that we are seeing the specific action from a particularized character.

3) Are you using sensory verbs?

There are some writers who compose sentences that make me want to read them out loud. And chances are, it’s because they’re using sensory verbs—these are verbs that usually imply sound, although sometimes scent and tactile info as well.

Below, is short list of sensory verbs that I love to use in my manuscripts. I’d love to hear from you. What are some of your favorite sensory verbs?

Hillary’s Favorite Sensory Verbs

Forked
Knifed
Spooned
Foxed
Thud
Clink
Hush
Patter
Snap
Swish
Careen
Flick
Plunge
Plod
Swoop
Sugar
Pummel
Wrench
Clip
Ruffle
Blunt
Dribble
Ooze
Crackle
Ripen
Stampede
Shimmer
Crisped
Flowed
Whir
Mash
Jimmy
Lurch
Dodge
Careen
Pawed
Stagger
Splice
Wedge
Bang
Clutch
Cram
Ditch
Flinch
Slope

Hoist
Hurl
Jingle
Fob
Lob
Clap
Snap
Hum
Streak
Clang
Gurgle
Hiss
Cuddle
Pepper
Ripen
Laced
Bang
Breeze
Crush
Jab
Moon
Lynch
Shelve
Slope
Unfurl
Bang
Chin
Jerk
Shelve