As a parent of a tween and a young teen, it’s hard not to notice how Facebook use has crept younger and younger and younger. And as a children’s book author and a professor of children’s writing (Hollins University http://www.hollins.edu/grad/childlit/childlit.htm) who writes novels specifically for tweens, it’s my job to vollow this trend. In fact, my latest book deals specifically with the issue of tweens and young teens ranking each other and posting this on Facebook, as well as other social media and the fall-out and hurt feelings that this causes. Since I know that so many tweens out there are using Facebook as a means to communicate who they like and how they feel about other kids, I needed to reach those readers with The Hot List and let them know–hey, you can really hurt your friends when you post who you like and who’s attractive and who’s not. The rule I’d like to communicate is–if you wouldn’t say something to someone in person then don’t put it or write it on your Facebook page so if you were “single” would you go around telling everyone about it? No, probably not.
Personally, I didn’t allow my older son to get a Facebook account until he was 13, and have noticed how many of his friends are using the relationship status as well to signal that they’re either looking for a new relationship or unavailable. As a mom, this bothers me. When you have a climate where relationship status is advertised at a very young age with social media it creates an environment where many social conventions are thrown out the door. A good friend’s daughter was devastated when her boyfriend actually broke up with her on Facebook through a posting. Naturally, she changed her status to single very quickly.
I completely understand why tweens and younger teens use the status feature. They want to communicate their availablity. However, I think teens under 15 need to learn to do this in person. Guess I’m old-fashioned. Of course, whether teens younger than 15 should be actively dating is another story, and one that each family needs to deal with it.
There are several things about Facebook that are not healthy and you have discussed them in a very real way as a tween and children’s author and as a parent. Years ago I banned the use of Slambooks in my elementary and middle school classrooms by individuals who thought that they were okay to set up at home and to bring to school to share their comments…often very hurtful in some way to at least one individual or more. This hurt created can last a lifetime. I also had Roundtable Conferences with the parents of said students and the student themselves to share with everyone the reasons that I banned such. One of the most profound lessons was for each student to put their name in each sentence said about another person. Then the shallow gossip took on a different slant…this time toward them…and this time the shoe pinched because by wearing it, so to speak, the student now did not think things were okay and even, in their mind’s eye… which initially was humorous, but now became hurtful and better understood. Some of the things being put on Facebook take on the same ilk and as we all know, once things are put on Facebook, or any electronic media then those words never go away…they are “out there.” Additionally, I think that Hillary makes a very good point as to the learning curve that is needed as we grow up to learn to do things in person. I worry, a bit, when I see “friends” make time for each other, only to spend the time talking to another person via cell phone, texting and the like during the common time they allowed for a walk, for example. I do not know why or how we have become a society who feels like we have to be connected to someone or something for 24 hours a day! My mother in her infinite wisdom reminded me that she taught me to be independent and that if I had an emergency that I was not to call her first! How many of us teach our children and students how to think beyond themselves and to make healthy decisions? This is one powerful tool of the family meal and the meaningful discussions which can be had. Special thanks to Hillary for taking this discussion up today on tweaking the system!
I love your analogy with slam books and how you problem solved to let the students feel the consequences of their actions. By having to face what they did by putting their names after their opinions was absolutely brilliant. It’s very easy to be brave and to declare your malicious thoughts and opinions of others when you don’t tack your name on afterwards. I think that’s definitely one of the pernicious things about the internet. It’s very easy to take up an alias and post your opinions without any accountability.
And you were so lucky that your mother encouraged you to be independent. I think there can be this fear about being alone with your thoughts. However, I do believe that this desire to always be connected in many ways is healthy–we want to maintain relationships or re-kindle ones, but when used as a numbing agent–then, well, there’s an issue. And, of course, I’m also of the opinion that same alone time can be very healthy (at least for me).
I have the same beef about those who get together “real time” but the entire time they are standing there with you they are checking their messages for new texts and emails. I know it could be a generational thing. My younger friends say that this doesn’t bother them at all and it shows that you feel comfortable with others and it’s a companionable thing, much like sitting down at the table and glancing at the paper. But for me, the feeling like someone isn’t really with me but in two places is disconcerting.
I don’t want to go backwards though. I love writing my blog and the benefits of Facebook–I just think that the rules of civility, kindness and compassion should always apply real time or online time.
You are absolutely right and the “growing up” with the internet is clearly a step backward in personal development and understanding of the way of the world.
I think it absolutely complicates things. I completely love the way you can research on the internet and connect with others in order to get support. But I think, especially for kids and for adults too, it’s not a substitute for real-time personal connection and interaction. You can learn facts about a tree online, but you can only really love a tree, I think, by sitting underneath its branches.